


Prohibition

by KaiserWashington



Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen, Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-05 16:54:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15867798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaiserWashington/pseuds/KaiserWashington
Summary: Byakuya is put in charge of the de-alcoholification of the Seireitei, much to everyone's annoyance. Byakuya doesn't care, of course, since he has his family's honor to uphold. One-shot.





	Prohibition

**Prohibition**

Byakuya Kuchiki had become notorious in Soul Society for being the only captain to have completely and officially banned the consumption of alcohol in his barracks. He had been forced to take this extreme measure after he had followed the smell of stale sake into a broom closet, only to find his lieutenant slumbering within among empty sake bottles. His wrath had been so great that Renji, who was as much a devotee of sake as the next Soul Reaper, had not complained once about getting rid of his entire stash.

Presently Captain Kuchiki was attending a captains' meeting specially summoned to honor him and to commend him on his efforts in ridding the Seireitei of the vile intoxicant.

"I congratulate you, Captain Kuchiki," said Head Captain Yamamoto. There was a fatherly glint in his old eye and a sort of bounce in his thick whiskers that was not always there. "Your exemplary conduct has brought great honor upon the Thirteen Court Guard Squads."

Kyoraku snorted his disapproval.

"I beg to differ," he said peevishly. "What's so 'exemplary' about abolishing an age-old tradition? Sake is a living testament to our glorious past, and has made us what we are today."

His eloquence was received by Yamamoto with an austere glare.

"Know your place Shunsui. One of these days I am personally going to ban the consumption of sake in your squad."

Kyoraku was shocked.

"Old Man Yama!" he protested. "I have always been your favorite student! How could you—?"

"Quiet!" said Yamamoto imperiously. "There is no question of favoritism in this matter. And besides, Jushiro is my favorite student. Returning to the matter at hand, I expect everyone present to follow Captain Kuchiki's example, and in the coming weeks do away with this depraved practice for good."

Byakuya stood with his eyes shut, as always.

"Hey Kuchiki, you bastard," said Zaraki with a snarl. He hated the idea of following anyone's example, let alone that of the sanctimonious captain of Squad Six. "What's the matter with you? Why'd you have to go and do something stupid like that? When I get my hands on you…" Suddenly a smile lit up his scarred face. "Say, that's not a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all. I demand a fight, Kuchiki. Now!"

Byakuya maintained a dignified silence.

"Hey, Kuchiki, you bastard, I'm talking to you. Get ready for a fight, _now_!"

Zaraki's persistence proved fruitless, and the other captains were beginning to get annoyed.

"Zip it, Zaraki," said Soifon sharply. "I am personally going to make sure not a drop of sake is left in your squad."

"Oh yeah?" Zaraki took a step forward. "I'd like to see you try."

"No, you wouldn't," said Soifon darkly, taking a step forward in turn.

"Yes, I would."

"No, you wouldn't."

"Yes, I would."

"No, you wouldn't."

"That's enough!" The Head Captain banged his staff on the floor. "Captain Zaraki and Captain Soifon, both of you are dismissed from this meeting."

"But Commander—"

"Didn't you hear me? I said you were dismissed!"

Both captains left the room with dark thoughts in their minds: thoughts about violence and revenge—thoughts about Byakuya.

"You may all leave now," said the Head Captain. "Except you, Captain Kuchiki. I have not yet rewarded you adequately for your marvelous display of initiative, leadership, and moral strength."

Byakuya acknowledged the praise with quiet dignity.

"I was only doing my duty."

"I am putting you in charge of presiding over the de-alcoholification of the entire Seireitei."

Though there were no external signs of emotion on Byakuya's dignified face, inwardly he was thrilled to be given this opportunity to reform the lower classes of Soul Society, and thereby to glorify the Kuchiki family name even further. Ever since his noble ancestor, the first Kuchiki, had used his iconic nobility to bring about what had come to be known in history books as the First Great Reform of Soul Society, there had always been great pressure on the head of the Kuchiki clan to live up to the common people's expectations of him—the common people who by their low birth were unfortunately not equipped with the necessary qualities of policy and wisdom to make their own decisions.

"I will," said Byakuya with great solemnity, "glorify the name of—"

"Oh, you're still here, Captain Kuchiki? I thought I had already asked you to set about ridding the Seireitei of alcohol. The odor of that poison has given me daily headaches since my first day here."

Byakuya passed a dignified hand over his scarf, and turned to stride away.

"I will not disappoint you, Commander."

When he returned to his office, he found his lieutenant sitting on the floor with his knees against his chest, staring at the opposite wall through half-lidded eyes. Drool clung obscenely to the corner of his mouth.

"Renji, what is the meaning of this?"

Renji sat up with a start.

"N-nothing, sir. I was just… trying to see if that wall over there was properly aligned with the rest of the room."

"Obviously it is," said Byakuya without glancing at it. His grandfather had personally overseen the renovation of these barracks, and it was inconceivable that there should be even the slightest imperfection in them. "Have you been drinking again, Renji? Even after I made it clear that alcohol had been banned in this squad?"

Renji shook his head fervently.

"No, sir."

He hadn't been drinking. Though his mind had wandered more than once to the bars of Rukongai, and he could almost smell the vapors of the inferior but more powerful concoction that those traditional people made, he had managed to avoid going there himself. He had decided that it simply wasn't worth it to cross his uptight captain, no matter how clear it was that not a soul in Soul Society could live up to his exacting standards of conduct. Maybe, now that Renji thought about it, Captain Kuchiki himself wouldn't be ill advised to drink a bowl of sake every now and then, just to loosen up a bit. But now was not the time to bring that up—and how Renji's head hurt from withdrawal!

Byakuya sat down at his desk, and continued:

"The Head Captain has given me the responsibility of turning the Seireitei into an alcohol-free community."

Renji swallowed.

"You, Renji, shall assist me in this endeavor."

Renji had feared that Byakuya would say something like that. Renji loved sake deeply—so deeply, in fact, that it could be said to flow through his veins. He would die if deprived of it for too long; and indeed, he had fully expected to die when Captain Kuchiki had come up with his nefarious plan to wring Squad Six dry. But he had stiffened his upper lip, and donning the cilice of the martyr, had decided that he would quietly endure his punishment.

"When do I begin, Captain?" The words emerged from Renji's throat like the last gasps of a dying man.

"Anytime now. Captain Soifon will be assisting us. She has already selected a group of twelve assassins to reconnoiter each squad, and bring us information about its hidden stash of sake. You and I shall confront the offending officers and their captains and vice-captains, and extract from them a written and binding promise never to allow a drop of sake within the four walls of their barracks."

Renji's throat became even drier.

"And if they refuse to sign their names?"

"Then we shall have no choice but to engage them in combat, and if necessary, die."

At this point Renji wasn't sure that he did not want to die. How easy it would be to kneel before Captain Zaraki with his eyes closed, he thought, and feel an eternal sake sleep wash over him as his head was separated from his body!

"If you're thinking of getting yourself killed on purpose, I will make sure that Captain Kurotsuchi keeps you alive by any means necessary, and injects you with a drug that causes every fiber of your being to long for sake forever."

"Captain Kurotsuchi has agreed to help us?"

Mayuri was exceptional, even among captains, for the extent to which he did not care about his Soul Reaper duties.

"He has expressed a desire to be part of any endeavor that results in causing his fellow officers great anguish. A deplorable purpose, but one must be wise to make use of any help one can get."

"Cool," said Renji in defeat. "When do we start again?"

Someone knocked.

"Renji," snapped Byakuya. "Get the door."

Renji jumped to his feet, and opened the door.

It was a member of the Stealth Force.

"Captain Kuchiki," he said. "I have made a list of six squads with the most illicit sake."

Byakuya nodded.

"Go on."

The assassin coughed, and glanced down at his list.

"Squad 10 seems to have the largest stash. One hundred gallons stored underneath Captain Hitsugaya's office."

"Doubtless it was that lieutenant of his. I have never seen her without drink."

"Oh no, Captain Kuchiki," said the assassin. "We confiscated Lieutenant Matsumoto's stash earlier. It wasn't too much for us to handle. This appears to be Captain Hitsugaya's private stash."

"Oh?"

Byakuya's eyes widened. He glared accusingly at Renji.

"I don't have anything to do with it, I swear!"

Byakuya turned to the assassin.

"Leave the list on my desk. It appears that Captain Hitsugaya is not the innocent little boy we were led to believe he was. Come, Renji."

They marched down to Squad 10.

Byakuya flung wide the doors to Captain Hitsugaya's office.

The noise roused Hisugaya from his afternoon nap.

"Wake up, Captain Hitsugaya," said Captain Kuchiki. "This is no time to be taking afternoon naps. Or should I say, lying in drunken stupors?"

Hitsugaya raised an eyebrow.

"What are you talking about, Captain Kuchiki?"

"I am here to confiscate your private stash of sake."

"Sake? What sake?" Hitsugaya sat up straight. "Has Matsumoto got something to do with this?"

"The Stealth Force has already confiscated Lieutenant Matsumoto's stash of sake. It is yours that I am interested in."

"My sake?" Hitsugaya laughed. "My dear Captain Kuchiki, surely you know that I don't drink? Sake is bad for growing boys."

"Renji, start pulling out the floorboards. The stash is hidden underneath the office." Byakuya turned to Hitsugaya. "Has it ever occurred to you, Captain Hitsugaya, that you might have grown taller, if you hadn't taken to drink at such a young age?"

Hitsugaya stared incredulously as Renji began pulling out floorboards and knocking the hilt of his Zanpakuto against the concrete below as if to look for hollow spaces in the foundation.

"I don't know what Renji thinks he's doing, but you're not about to find anything there."

"On the contrary," said Byakuya as Renji discovered a hollow space in the concrete, and began beating it in, "I think we are."

Pretty soon there was a hole in the ground, and Renji valiantly pulled out stone and concrete in order to make it wider.

"What do we have here?" Byakuya reached into the hole, and pulled out bottle after bottle of sake. "I wonder if Captain Kyoraku was aware that you had such fine sake hidden away underneath your office? I wouldn't suppose he would have let you rest till you had turned over every last bottle to him."

Hitsugaya's eyes widened.

"I know nothing about that."

"Your lieutenant's stash, as I mentioned earlier, has already been accounted for. Whose might this be, if not yours?"

"I don't know. Probably Isshin Shiba's."

"Oh? I had forgotten about that disagreeable man. Yes, I remember he was always slightly drunk."

"Not drunk enough to be actually drunk, but tipsy, I think is the word. In fact, it was from him that Matsumoto picked up her drinking habit."

"I see. So you're saying that this stash belongs to Isshin Shiba?"

"I'm quite sure."

Byakuya spent a minute in quiet thought.

"Isshin Shiba is no longer welcome in Soul Society, so we can't arraign him here on these comparatively mild charges. His next of kin is Ichigo Kurosaki." He almost smiled. "Ichigo Kurosaki shall be punished in place of his father. Renji, give the order to bring Ichigo Kurosaki in. Preferably in chains."

He turned to Captain Hitsugaya.

"Someone will be in within the next six months to carry off the sake and repair your office."

Hitsugaya's eyes popped.

"Six months?"

He looked around his office. His desk had been pushed against the farther wall. Most of the floor space was taken up by the giant hole that Renji had dug.

"Yes," said Byakuya. "As you know, the Seireitei is rife with corruption. Perhaps that will be my next great challenge. In the meantime, find a way to keep Lieutenant Matsumoto away from the sake."

Hitsugaya swallowed with some difficulty. Beads of sweat rolled down his forehead as he contemplated working amid the wreck that his office had been reduced to for the next six months.

"Okay," he said weakly.

"Our next target," said Byakuya once they were back in the street, having extracted from Hitsugaya a written and binding promise never to allow a drop of sake within the four walls of his barracks, "is Squad 8. This is to be expected from Captain Kyoraku. Fortunately, I think I can reason with him."

"No can do," were the first words Kyoraku uttered when he opened the door and saw Byakuya. "I _need_ my sake. It's for health reasons. I'm sure I have a prescription lying around here somewhere."

"I'm not in the mood for games, Captain Kyoraku," said Byakuya. "You were present at the meeting at which the Head Captain commanded me to rid the Seireitei of sake. I intend to follow his orders, and I suggest that you do, too."

"I'm sure Yamaji was only kidding back then. He wouldn't _really_ ask me to get rid of my sake."

"It is not my job to debate what the Head Captain did or didn't say."

Nanao emerged from the back room.

"Oh hello, Captain Kuchiki. Anything I can do for you?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. Working under the Head Captain's orders, I command you to place every bottle of sake within your squad in the courtyard outside. The Stealth Force will be by to dispose of it. The Seireitei is to be an alcohol-free community."

Nanao's face lit up.

"I'd be more than delighted to help out!"

She ran back into the back room with an air of purpose.

"Oh rats," said Kyoraku in defeat.

"Thank you for your time, Captain Kyoraku."

"Who's next on your list, Captain?" said Renji as they departed Squad 8.

Byakuya glanced down.

"Captain Zaraki," he said.

A shiver ran down Renji's spine. Byakuya was not insensible of this.

"You shall be the one to confront Captain Zaraki about his sake problem, Renji," said Byakuya with a hint of malice.

Renji swallowed.

"Me? Zaraki'll kill me."

"You shall confront him, at which point he will doubtless challenge you to a fight or some such thing. You shall agree to fight him."

"Captain, forgive me for saying this, but are you out of your goddamned mind? Sorry again."

Byakuya ignored the outburst.

"You will probably sustain many injuries in the process, some of which may take months or years to heal, but Captain Zaraki will not kill you. He is like a cat that tortures its prey endlessly without killing it."

Renji wondered if it was too late to request to be transferred back to Squad 11. It seemed safer there. He tried reasoning with his captain one last time, but to no avail.

"Renji, I am adamant," said Byakuya. "This is the way it must be."

And so it was.

Renji walked in a sort of nervous shuffle all the way to Squad 11.

"Renji!" said Zaraki when he saw him.

He thumped Renji on the back, causing his knees to buckle.

"I was beginning to think I'd never see you again. Have you come here for a fight?"

Renji opened his mouth to speak, but said nothing, since he sort of was there for a fight. He quickly composed himself.

"Actually, I'm here on behalf of Captain Kuchiki."

Zaraki frowned at the mention of Byakuya's name.

"I'm going to need you to turn in your stash of sake." Renji coughed. "All of it."

Zaraki threw his head back, and laughed.

"You can forget about it. Go back and tell that coward Kuchiki that I'm not just going to turn my sake over to him like an obedient dog. If he wants the sake so badly, he needs to win it in a fight. Where are you going, Renji? I'm not done with you."

Zaraki caught Renji by the scruff of his neck, and tossed him into the fighting ring. He unsheathed his sword.

"Here I come."

Renji limped back to Squad 6 on crutches late in the evening. He was lucky Hanatarou had been nearby to tend to his wounds, or he might not be alive now.

"You're back, Renji," said Byakuya.

Renji was in half a mind to turn in his resignation.

"I am, Captain."

"How did it go?"

"Captain Zaraki was uncooperative."

Byakuya regarded him from head to toe.

"I see that your journey to Squad 11 was not entirely fruitless."

"I suppose you could say that."

"Captain Zaraki doubtless challenged you to a fight?"

"Indeed he did."

Byakuya wrote a note on a sheet of paper next to Zaraki's name.

_Captain Zaraki: Uncooperative._

"Very well," said Byakuya. "The Stealth Force will confiscate his stash secretly."

Renji wondered why the Stealth Force hadn't done that in the first place, and thus spared him a great deal of pain and humiliation. But discovering his captain's motives was a pursuit on which Renji had long given up. There was just no way of telling whether the strange things Byakuya made him from time to time do contained a deeper lesson that Renji was too stupid to realize or whether it was just Byakuya's unconventional sense of humor.

"The next squad on our list is Squad 3," Byakuya went on. "It appears that Lieutenant Kira is of the opinion that his carousals have escaped our notice, now that he isn't under the direct supervision of a captain."

"It would appear so, Captain," said Renji ingratiatingly.

"You have done well, Renji," said Byakuya. "You are dismissed. Go to Squad 4. Reserve two beds for the night. Lieutenant Kira will be joining you shortly."

Izuru was sent to the hospital half an hour later in a dazed and senseless heap.

"The next squad on the list is Squad 7," said Byakuya, standing over Renji's bed in Squad 4. Izuru lay mummified in the second bed. "Fortunately I expected some such thing, and dealt with Lieutenant Iba on my way here. Which only leaves—"

Byakuya's eyes narrowed as he gazed down at the list.

"What is it, Captain?"

"Renji, can you walk?"

"I think so. Captain Unohana gave me something earlier that fixed me right up."

"Good."

Byakuya tore up the list, and tossed it into the nearby trashcan.

"I need you by my side for this one."

Five minutes later Renji found himself staring up at the huge insignia of Squad 1 outside the Head Captain's office.

"Er, Captain," he said. "Are we here to ask for reinforcements?"

"I have already asked for reinforcements," said Byakuya.

Someone cackled nearby. Renji looked out into the night to see Captani Kurotsuchi striding up the steps with Nemu in his wake.

"Did you get what I asked for?" said Byakuya.

"Oh Captain Kuchiki," said Mayuri. "You're so naïve. Not only did I think to bring it independently of your asking me to, but I also brought a whole set of secret drugs that I have been wanting to test for some time. A scientist doesn't often get to test his drugs on beings of such high reiatsu."

"High reiatsu—" said Renji. "Captain, we aren't here to confront the Head Captain, are we?"

"On the contrary, Renji, we are indeed here to confront the Head Captain."

Captains Kyoraku and Zaraki appeared shortly. The de-alcoholification of their squads had been completed, and both looked as if they had lost their firstborns.

Byakuya flung open the doors to the Head Captain's office.

Yamamoto was sitting at his desk.

"What do you want, insolent whelps?" he said.

"Genryūsai Shigekuni Yamamoto," said Byakuya. "We are here because you are in possession of a secret stash of illicit sake."

Yamamoto banged his staff on the floor.

"Captain Kuchiki, know your place. When I gave you the command to preside over the de-alcoholification of the Seireitei, I did so with the understanding that you would not turn your attention to your superiors."

"So you lied about the headaches."

"Maybe I did," said Yamamoto petulantly.

"Forgive me, Head Captain, but as the head of the Kuchiki clan I have always been of the opinion that people in positions of power must lead by example. I was even willing to let Rukia die to uphold that principle. Otherwise why should the masses follow us?"

"They will follow us, Captain Kuchiki, because we are more powerful, and would destroy them if they didn't."

It appeared as if Yamamoto had not lost his barbaric streak from a thousand years ago.

"That kind of leadership was acceptable only in ancient times, when the rule of law was unknown," said Byakuya sententiously. "It does not befit civilized society to rely on intimidation to maintain order. I am sorry, Captain Commander, but I cannot permit you to get away with this flagrant hypocrisy."

"You fool," yelled Yamamoto, eyes widening in rage.

Flames erupted from his Zanpakuto, and Byakuya, Renji, Kyoraku, Zaraki, Mayuri, and Nemu went flying out of Yamamoto's office. They landed at the bottom of the great steps, clothes and faces singed by Ryūjin Jakka's flames.

Kyoraku laughed sheepishly.

"If you'd told me what you were about to do, I would have advised you against it. Yamaji is a bit old-fashioned, you see."

Byakuya adjusted his scarf with dignity.

"I see that the Head Captain will not stray from his path. Very well, then. Neither will I. Leading by example has always been the wisest, most just, and most benevolent way to organize society, and I will continue to stand by it."

Given Yamamoto's secret fondness for sake, Byakuya considered it extremely unjust to crack down on the other captains and their subordinates for partaking of the drink. So the very next day he issued a proclamation to the effect that each squad's secret stash of sake would be returned to it, and soul reapers were free to drink and be drunk whenever they pleased.

Yamamoto, of course, was not pleased by the thought that soul reapers other than he were allowed to enjoy sake, and took back the commendations he had bestowed on Byakuya at the next captains' meeting.

"Captain Kuchiki, you have brought great shame upon the Thirteen Court Guard Squads."

Kyoraku winked at Byakuya from further down the line. Byakuya was all of a sudden his favorite captain. Besides Ukitake, of course.

"I am ashamed of you, Captain Kuchiki," Yamamoto went on. "Deeply ashamed of you."

But Byakuya was not ashamed of himself. On the contrary, he had done exactly what his ancestors would have done, and was certain that twenty-seven generations of Kuchikis were smiling down at him from wherever they were now.

He had not failed the common people.

end.


End file.
